I have a date for my first consult with a surgeon at the end of this month, and as soon as it was booked in I became an emotional mess..
I have considered and wanted this surgery for as long as I can remember, and have found 2 friends who have had it done in the last few years whom I have annoyed with my endless questions, I even began paying through the nose for Health Insurance 11 months ago... So I'm completely informed and ready..
Or am I..??
You see, I want to get rid of Fatty and everything she embodies.. I have never liked her..
She has robbed me of a lot of my life, and now of time spent with my children.. I am done with being in constant and excruciating pain (mostly in bed), and giving that excuse as to why I cannot participate - in anything...
In a weird and perverted way, Fatty is my friend... She is my constant.. She IS my excuse when I "just don't want to".. I can hide behind her and know I am safe.. Yes, I am judged because of her.. But ONLY because of her.. What if when she's gone, I don't like who's left? Or worse still, the world doesn't like who's left? I will have lost my security blanket...
Am I the only one in thinking like this? I feel as though there is a part of my brain sabotaging me before I even begin...
I guess this can also be attributed to feeling unworthy or deserving or selfish in doing so....?
Can anyone connect with my ramblings...?
**Edited to add - I just hit 40, have 3 primary school aged children, and do NOT have a support network to get me through this.. I have a very strained relationship with my family, and I don't think they would understand my journey anyhow.. They're very judgemental.. So my village is limited to...well, my partner... and that's about it.. He obviously knows about this surgery, and apart from him I think I will only tell 1 or 2 others - potentially the girls I know who have been through it.. I think everyone else will hear I am having surgery to rectify a substantial diastasis I have - which is no lie in itself....
Really looking forward to hearing from some of you who may be going through this yourself, or are also just beginning your journeys.. I can't wait to see the new world!... albeit with a dash of anxiety... xxx